The Choices We Make
by brezoflower
Summary: Set during V's route in the safehouse. I saw him today, the man who was once my fiance, for the first time since the reset- a reset I had no choice in. Saeyoung looked at me as a stranger, completely unrecognizing. He's inside the house now and I can't face him. Don't you call him, MC. Don't you do it. But it's too late. My fingers have pressed 'send.'


Warning: Spoilers for the middle of V's route! Also, if I upload a part two, there will be major spoilers in that one. So please be warned. With that out of the way, enjoy!

* * *

V is, at long last, finally peaceful, asleep in the first bedroom on the left. I'm seated on the white porch swing at the safehouse we'd stopped at for the night, slowly swaying it back and forth with my foot in the glow of the porch light. I know I shouldn't be out here, that being exposed could mean the wrong people might find us, but I needed some air. The crickets and murmur of the brook nearby is calming me.

I'd stayed with V for as long as he needed today, talking to him softly out in the car earlier, trying to help him come down from his depressive thoughts as the drugs worked their way out of his system. He'd smiled at me gratefully, a smile still filled with pain and shame, and thanked me for encouraging him even as he felt he couldn't be saved. Ah, my RFA. Why does everyone feel like they have no hope? Why do they all feel like there's nothing they can do?

I'm scrolling down the messages from the last chat room, the one where V was having such a hard time dealing with his decisions. I feel a little guilty that my hands are gliding right over his blue messages, to land on one spot that I read over and over again.

 _707: u have Heather with u._

 _707: She's the best defender u have right now._

 _707: See? See how energetic and awesome she is?_

 _707: Jealous_

Jealous, he says.

He was in for only another minute after that before abruptly saying goodbye and signing off. No doubt he's in the other bedroom, typing and clicking away as those who want to hurt us try to pry their way in. He'd been doing that a lot lately, keeping the conversations in the chat rooms work-related and running off without much warning. It was such an abrupt departure from the warm, bright person I once knew, and it broke my heart a little each time he left.

Today was…just a bit too much for me. So much had happened with the rescue and worrying about V being irreparably damaged. And as much as I cared for V and wished him every happiness…oh. How do I explain this?

How do I talk about seeing my fiancé again for the first time since…well, since I made my choice to go back? How can I stand being in the same cabin as him, the man I was about to share my life with, while having to spend all of my affection on someone else?

How do I explain how agonizing it was to meet his eyes at Rika's compound as he came to rescue us and see a complete lack of recognition there?

The fact of the matter is, I reset.

A long time ago, I found out my life had a strange glitch where I could always run back to a certain period in time. Each time I leapt back, I ended up in different situations, wonderful ones but where something always felt slightly missing. Then, I finally got it right with the man I loved, and everything was perfect. I was never going to reset after that.

But then…things turned out how they did. V died. He'd never died before. Stricken, I jumped back and, with Saeyoung at my side, made different decisions, spoke differently to each of the members of the RFA, everything I could. Every path I chose leading to the man I loved ended with in disaster for someone else. There was no way for all of us to win.

Knowing that you can do this, how do you sacrifice someone else's life for your own happiness?

You don't. I could never. Every time I looked up at Saeyoung I saw what had been lost to get there.

So, though I loved this man with everything I had, I knew what I had to do. Even though it was going to kill me, I couldn't stay. I didn't have a choice. If I didn't go back, then it would be my fault that V was gone as surely as if I'd held the gun. Who sees something preventable from the sidelines and does nothing?

The night I made my decision, I'd snuck back out to the living room from our bed. Saeyoung had fallen asleep at his laptop, sitting on the floor with work files spread all around him. I memorized his face then, his head resting on the couch seat behind him, for once looking like his demons had finally been vanquished. I pressed a kiss to his forehead, smoothing his hair away from his face, and placed his glasses on the coffee table.

Then, I'd walked slowly out to the hall, closed my eyes, and counted down as I felt the familiar pull of being called away.

I'd cried for a full hour when I woke up in my own bed. The date on my phone had told me that something had gone wrong. Somehow, I'd jumped to a much earlier point this time. No matter how much I wished for it, there was no going back to Saeyoung's timeline. Since then, only eight days have gone by, not nearly enough time to process this fact even though I have to act now. During those eight days I've been held hostage by his brother, and Saeyoung has been in the chat rooms working to help me. He's polite but distant. None of this feels real. He's not the man I remember.

Tonight I've been out on this porch swing for an hour trying not to come undone, but it just isn't working. Flashes of my old life keep popping up, demanding to be seen, as though my memories are afraid I might let them go. But he's seared into me, in the very furthest corners. Every moment of us laughing at each other's jokes, eating chips together in front of the TV, or curled onto a bed with his fingers trailing down my back, it's all cemented. It's left-behind evidence that he existed.

I'm clutching my phone to my shirt like a lifeline. It's cold out here but I don't dare move. I need one person in this moment, and though he's just inside and down the hall he's not really here with me. I'm slowly losing my mind, my self-control slipping through my hands.

I have to speak to him. Even though he won't know me as I know him. Even though he won't be my fiancé. I have to. I've pressed the call button well before any reason can kick in.

The phone pressed up to my ear, I have the sudden thought that it would be better if he didn't pick up.

"Hello?"

It feels like a dart, pinning me right in the center of my chest, hearing his voice.

"MC?"

It's then I realize I didn't prepare any words to say. My hands are shaking, barely keeping my phone up. He's waiting for me to say something. MC. _Say something._

My voice comes out as a breath, barely a whisper.

"...Saeyoung."

I can tell that I've stunned him by the sharp inhale across the line.

"MC." He's curt and to the point, verging on too sharp. "Please forget you heard that name. That's really not a part of my life anymore."

"Seven, then," I concede, trying to sound light. "I always did call you that in the beginning anyway."

"Um," he mumbles, not understanding. "I'm actually very busy, I have tons to do with dealing with the hacker, not to mention all the stuff for the 'other' company, so I really can't talk. I gotta go."

"No!" The word bursts out of me before I can stop myself. Please don't hang up. I can't go see him face to face. I couldn't stomach seeing the vague look of concern where his feelings for me used to be. "Seven." It's not as though any of this will make a difference in the morning anyway. "Can I have five minutes of your time? Please. Just five minutes."

Because I know him, I don't have to see him to know what he's doing. He's raking a hand through his hair, his brows knit together, the light of his laptop reflecting off his glasses.

"Ah," he starts hesitantly, "is something wrong? Does V need something?"

"No." I close my eyes, and a midnight breeze flutters over my cheeks. "I want to play a game with you, Seven. One where we say a bunch of things that don't make sense."

"Oh. Uh. How do I win?" I silently thank him for sensing that this is important. I know he's busy.

"The first one to say something too normal loses."

I could practically feel his reluctance to stay, as his computer is no doubt already blinking with missed chat boxes, but he doesn't leave. "Ha, all right. But if you're trying to out-weird God Seven, you're fighting the world's fastest losing battle, milady."

"We'll see about that, Defender of Justice."

"Ooookay! I'm going first then." He clears his throat. "My home planet has an unbreathable atmosphere due to the annual Honey Buddha Chip dust storms. The air is toxic but delicious."

That provokes a smile. God, I missed him.

"All right, me next. Jumin was reincarnated from a cat that was—plot twist —Elizabeth the Third's great grandmother."

Saeyoung gasps loudly. "Ooooooooh. Genius! That explains absolutely everything." I can hear him drumming his finger against the plastic of his laptop as he thinks. "Aha! Got one. Zen is actually a robot programmed by models, and his power source is adoration. It's why he takes so many selfies."

"Didn't you say you feed on compliments yourself?" I shoot back with a grin. "Hmm. Somewhere there's a parallel universe in which LOLOL is the actual world and the high elves are all playing 'World of Humans.'"

Saeyoung whistles. "Always did love a good parallel universe. I wanna do that one too!"

"You can't do that one, I just did that. That's cheating."

"Can too! And of course it's not cheating, I just hacked into your brain and downloaded your ideas."

"It's not hacking if I tell you!"

We both laugh, and my heart eases. "All right, then, Seven. Steal my idea then."

"Don't mind if I do! Somewhere there's a parallel universe where PhD Pepper is sentient and we all bow to our liquidy overlords."

A giggle bubbles out of me and with it comes a painful tinge. I remember the half-drank can of PhD Pepper next to Saeyoung's sleeping form, just before I left him. Just nine days ago. My heart squeezes, and I force my smile to stay up though it's already slid halfway down.

"Somewhere there's a parallel universe where you and I end up engaged. Wouldn't that be funny?"

There's silence on the other end of the line for a full five seconds.

"Ah, haha, MC, that's not nearly weird enough of a story, don't you think?" he finally says. "That seems suspiciously like you lost just now."

"Maybe I did, yeah." I tilt my head up to look at the night sky above me. The stars are a nice contrast to the dark silhouette of the treetops below.

He must see the shift in mood, because his tone is gentler now. "Everything okay, MC?"

"It's just…been a bit of a rough day. For all of us. We've been through a lot, and I—I guess I'm just shaken up."

"Well, yeah, but it's all okay now. V's here, you're here, we're all safe as kittens. I rescued you and your knight in shining photography. Does that make me a…'hacker in shining motherboards' for both of you?"

I flinch at _my_ knight in shining photography.

"You can be anything you want, Seven."

"Well now that's definitely not true. Someone's gotta stay in the shadows and keep everyone afloat. Like Batman! I mean Baleman. Ha."

"And that makes you happy?"

"Yep! I may not get all the things I want, but everyone's happy, so I'm happy. Conquering the world one firewall at a time!" He's laughing but it's that front he does where he's trying to fool someone, where the reality of the situation is painful. It's there that I realize he feels just as trapped as I do. He didn't feel like this when we were together, because he'd overcome it by then. So much has been lost by the reset.

"Doesn't that…sound like a bit of a lonely existence, though?"

"Hey, hey, being me has its perks. People may not remember me, but I keep the world spinning. That's what being Defender of Justice is about, see?"

"Stop that! Stop lying!" Oh, no, here it comes, the buildup of the storm, but I can't stop it. "Don't do that thing where you pretend you're cheerful because you think you have to!"

A pause. "MC, that's not what's—"

"I know you, Saeyoung! Don't—"

"I told you not to call me that." He sounds angry now, all playfulness gone. Given my life with him, though, his anger doesn't faze me anymore.

"If you had any idea what you were saying," I pleaded, "you'd understand. It's the worst thing when no one remembers you. It's lonely and awful. No one should ever have to experience that."

"MC." His tone is biting. "You shouldn't talk to me like you know me. I'm not someone you can exchange secrets with like we're at a slumber party. If you need to psychoanalyze someone, please look somewhere else." He blows out a frustrated sigh. "Go talk to V when he wakes up, he's good with this venting stuff. He seems very attached to you. And you've obviously been getting close to him too."

I don't like what he's implying. It's all wrong. It feels so wrong.

"I have to! You have no idea what happens if I don't!"

"What are you talking about? What do you think is going to happen? V might be a bit lost right now, but he doesn't need someone to show up on a horse and save him."

" _He does!"_ The words are exploding out of me. They leave my mouth in torrents, things I shouldn't be saying, because the stubbornness in him always brought out the persistence in me. "I've tried walking my own path. It doesn't work. If I try to go for what I want, things end badly. Every time I take the path that leads me to who I want, people die, or people get hurt. There is no option in which everyone is fine. The universe has seen what I want and it has said _no_." I'm openly crying now, my erratic breath on the verge of sobbing. The trails on my cheeks are dripping down my chin.

"But…if I can—if I do this—then maybe no one has to die, I can fix it all, I can-" I break off. I've truly lost it. "This way, everyone can get what they want. Even if I don't...anyway. I can live with that. As long as everyone else lives too."

There's silence on the other end of the phone. A beat passes, then another.

"MC." He sounds so soft now. "I think I understand you a little better now. At least, more than I did before." If I let my imagination run wild, I could swear I hear affection there. Just for that moment I want so badly for him to tell me that I'm not alone, that he remembers everything, even though falling back into his arms would change the outcome of the reset and all of it would go up in smoke.

"I don't know what happened to you before you met us," he continues, "but it sounds like you're trying to take on all this responsibility for something yourself, and you don't have to."

"Oh, Seven. I wish I could tell you everything, but unfortunately that's not the case." I hiccup a little, and try to gather myself. I need to get it together.

 _He is not your Saeyoung._

"Here. Since I'm not good at the comforting thing, I'll tell you something else." Whenever he feels awkward, he laughs a little. He's doing it now. "When I was a kid, if things ever got difficult, I'd make up stories where I was the action hero. You know, good vanquishes evil, all that stuff." There's that little self-deprecating chuckle again. "Why don't you try that?"

Well, sure. All right. Why don't I? "Okay, Seven. I've got one. Ready?"

"Hah. You have a story that fast?"

"What can I say…I'm creative." The porch swing rocks a little from another small breeze. "Once upon a time there was a princess who was visited by a neighboring royal family. She falls in love with one of the princes, and it looks like there will be a happy ending for everyone."

"You mean to tell me," incredulity coloring his words, "you don't have any rocketships or monsters or anything in this? What kind of storyteller are you?" He's trying to bring the levity back, and I love him for it.

"Oh, shut it." But I'm smiling as I say it. I feel just a little bit stronger. "Anyway. A witch casts a curse on the princess. All of the royal family loses their memories. All except her."

"Ah, witches. Now we're getting somewhere," he says, satisfied.

"Right. So this curse says that if she ever gets close to her one true love, disaster will befall everyone in the kingdom. So even though he is right there, in the same house, she is unable to tell him how she really feels. The king marries her off to another prince."

"Well, that's a bit tragic, isn't it? Can anything break the curse?"

"Nothing."

"Ah. Well. Maybe it's better that the prince doesn't remember then."

My head jerks up. Now that's unexpected. "Why do you think that?"

"Honestly, if she can't be with him, wouldn't it kill him to see her with the other prince? Not to mention it'd be easier on her, to not look at him and think of all the things she could have had. It's better that way. She'd never have to wonder if he was hurting because of her."

"That's…surprisingly insightful."

He snorts. "I have my moments. Sometimes I'm not all jokes and terrible choices in meals."

"Well, I really appreciate this side of you. I hope that," I'm careful here, "maybe we can talk like this again someday."

He coughs, embarrassed. "Ah...haha…hey! I know all this has been stressful. You've had a crazy day helping me get V out. You've been a rock star, and that'd be insane for anyone. Don't worry too much."

His volume lowers a bit.

"And V is good for you. He's a good man, and he will get through this. You've already done so much for him, everyone's said so."

There's that tiny sideways smile in his tone, and sadness and frustration rear their heads in me again. I want to tell him to be quiet, stop talking about V, because just today I don't want it to be about V. I want to be selfish. I want this moment with the man who was mine.

Even though this phone call was a mistake from the beginning, it's been such a release of emotional honesty. It has been a cocktail of anger and anguish and strangely a bit of bliss for being able to pour it all out.

"Listen." He's still going before I can express any of this, which is probably for the best. Definitely for the best. "You don't have to solve the whole world's problems. And yeah, we have a lot of problems right now. But here's our super-secret fail-safe plan of awesome: you're one of us now. So don't you ever feel lonely. God, I mean," he laughs a little, "I feel like you could pick anyone in the RFA and they would just about fall in love with you."

I hiccup. Oh, damn it, I'm teary again. "…I only want to be with one person." It comes out in a watery whisper.

"Well. He's a great guy. I'm sure you'll be very happy together." His voice sounds somewhat hard, or perhaps just firm with reassurance. I shake my head, even though he can't see. He's so wrong, but correcting him means messing up everything.

If V dies again, this is all for nothing. I can't have Saeyoung. The universe has told me that much. So I have to pretend like I can live in a place and time where I can't be with him. I need reminding of this a few hundred more times.

I swallow. "Thanks. Seven. For all of this. It means a lot that you were here just now."

"No problem, madam!" He's jovial again. "God Seven will always be here to smite the bad in the world! By the mighty power of the RFA, I will be there."

I force a giggle. "Good luck with your work. Bye." The call ends.

I'm suddenly aware of just how silent it is outside. This moment feels somewhat better, a little less gripped in hopelessness. I make myself inhale as deeply as I can, then back out again. This, combined with a good night's rest, might barely be enough to keep going just one more day. One at a time.

My phone vibrates not thirty seconds later. Then again, and again. I wipe my eyes with my sleeve, clearing away the blurriness so I can read.

 _707: Hey. You have help. Always._

 _707: We're all behind you, no matter what._

 _707: No matter what you do or who you choose to keep closest._

I blow out another long breath. The words on the screen are warm and feel like a hug. I wrap myself in the feeling, and stare down at my keyboard. I don't even see what my fingers are typing until I'm finished.

 _MC: I love you, Saeyoung. I love you. So much. I'll remember it all for the both of us._

He is so wonderful, and this feels like the goodbye I could never give him. I blink at it for several beats before pressing 'X', erasing it all. I opt instead for something light-hearted, generic, and send it.

I hated all the secrets in the RFA, and now I have the biggest one. But I can do this. For everyone's sake, I'll keep it.

* * *

Saeyoung watches the video feed on his laptop from his place on the floor. The screen displays the security cam he'd installed the minute they'd arrived, hidden in the porch lamp above the swing, the easiest place to conceal something.

He watches her type out a response to his texts, her hands finally calm, as though this is the one thing she's sure of. The viewpoint of the camera is perfect. The video is sharp and clear. Every word of her heart, typed out on that phone, is engraving itself on the inside of his mind.

He watches her backspace it away, letter by letter.

It's another minute before the reply she settled on reaches his inbox.

 _MC: Thank you, really. Defender of Justice and Lonely Hearts._

 _MC: You really know just what to say to me._

 _MC: Can you believe we only met eight days ago?_

A drop of saltwater taps against the screen of his phone, then another. He brings his palms to his eyes, and his glasses push up to nestle in his hair.

He wipes the screen and sends a final reply before setting it down. Off come his glasses, tossed to the floor. He stares and stares but takes in nothing.

 _707: Ikr? Feels like a lifetime ago, doesn't it?_

 _707: Maybe in the next lifetime we'll be on a space station._

* * *

AN: This was a bit depressing to write, haha. It's been so long since I've written anything, and playing this game kind of sparked the inspiration again. If MC really is aware of all her resets, and 707's route is counted as the "true story"…well, I imagine she'd feel something like this.

I'd like to write a continuation of this, set just after the party at the conclusion of V's route, with perhaps a lighter ending. Would you be interested in that? Let me know? Thanks for reading!


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